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Talk:Clear Start/@comment-4295416-20141003214416
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (excpect comparisons to other contest stories) Let' start off with the settings. Protea was interesting enough, seeing how Galt worked was rather fun and how he got into trouble for helping pirates. Entirety of chpater 1 focuses on the dude's life which was nice. The setting then changed to Clear Start (I see what you did there =_=) Which apparently is famous for gems and is cool with pirates like many Grand Line towns. Both locations were not very notable but served the purpose. The writing here was good for the most part. I do have nit picks, for example... When you write "blah blah blah" You don't have to add quotations after you said the character's name. This is more applicable in a novel format where it goes "blah blah blah," said Morsi... And so on. In the script format case, it would be blah blah blah With no quotations. I also noticed some confusing sentences, but there weren't many of them. Aside from that, the writing was pretty good. Flowed well, nice descriptions (noticed the focus on character appearance descriptions, Galt's was kinda funny to me XD), simple, and not too much attention to details (I don't consider it a minus consder it a minus, script formats tend to be more on the characters and less on the surroundings anyway). I do not remember noticing any typos or spelling errors, which was impressive and shows that you proof read it... Not to mention that even when you do there are usually slip ups, so nice job. The characters were pretty good; I enjoyed most of them. Sensei's was pretty entertaining when he was on XD Liked his personality and chuckled at his lines. The fisherman/scientist was also pretty good. Tallis and Morsi's interactions were fun and everything... Galit stopped being involved much after the first chapter, but was good when he was. Some popped up out of nowhere though, like Kelpina. Seriously, where the hell did she come from?! But yeah, I liked the characters and thought the comedy was good. The dialogue, well, It was a bit... weird. Galit was shown to be very polite and kind at first, but then smashed Tallis' seashells and treated her in a way didn't expect. At times I felt the dialogue was a bit too formal at times specially for Tallis, using a bit of heavy words for kids. At times the people jumped through conversations a bit too abruptly (like the wife commented...) Which was a bit inconsistent, and I felt sometimes people would just get too dramatic all of a sudden, or make quick judgements or impressions and say them out loud that you would usually not hear people say to people they just met. This threw me off a lot at times and just felt that things did not happen naturally. Which brings me to the over all flow and progression... I commented how Kelpina came out of nowhere before, because this creates confusion. You did not mention Kelpina in the story ever or mention that she was even on the boat when Tallis was aboard... So I was left confused about who the hell was she. Some things struck me as weird through oout the whole story... Specially surrounding Morsi. SO he apparently knows Rokushiki... and is in CP youth or something? Okay, when did he join that?? How did he learn Rokushiki? He was just 8 when they met... and they spent the 4 years together. So he was in CP since he was 3?? How can a get learn Rokushiki? This is a huge, advanced technique that takes years to learn... But still, it may be possible, who knows. Even then though, why is he doing any of this?? His motivations are very unclear. What is he doing at a dojo if he knows Rokushiki? Why was he selling stones all this time? What's up with that deal with the pirates? I assume when he got caught, it was just a facade to bring Tallis to him and capture her... But why would he want to do that?? Why did he threaten her with a knife if he was gonna save her from the pirates at the end? Why did he use his Devil Fruit powers on the pirates (which helped them escape) If he wanted to hand Tallis over to them all along? WHy is he gonna put Tallis in prison?! What did she do, selling the gems? HE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT HER INTO IT? Why would he do that if he was with the Navy? ... This whole scene was just messy to me, and struck me as just an attempt to make a plot twist without putting enough thought into it. And that is my biggest gripe with the story. Not much fighting happened, but thought the Feathers powers were funny XD DOn't really have anything else to say about combat. On an unrelated note, it was fun seeing Tallis grow up and develop. Also, meeting up with Beyret (or whatever) was an interesting meeting and marked her development and change of path. The alchemy dream was also pretty interesting. The story felt OPish for the most part, which is good for a story in the OP world. I also felt other influences there in the mix which is welcomed to give it a different tone than OP, while still staying close all the same. Themes wise, I liked them. I do wonder what are the "Way Others Than Violence" theme. Is it Galit deciding to leave his town because of the people? All or is the fact that they decided to tickle the pirates? XD Which makes me want to mention that the themes need to be the lesson or the focus of the story, not an event along the ride. I did like the speech Galit gave about the people, how they were picking on him because he was the convenient target and such... Overall, I liked the story; It was still a fun read for me. I was a bit confused by some of what was happening and just felt that some things were inconsistent, which just disrupted that... rhythm and natural flow. However, even with so, the good still out weights the bad here with good characters, good personalities, good writing, and an interesting premise. Even the problem can get patched up rather easily! I also feel that the time pressed you a bit which might be why that last part turned out messy. So yes, I did like this and I think next installments in Tallis' adventures can be even better. Is it a worthy story to be in the contest? For sure~ Good job, Nada.